THE SIMPLE LIFE

I was cleaning my laptop when I stumbled upon a file titled “Nowadays” written on April 13, 2021. And it says,

“Nowadays, I’m sure many people are going through the same things as me because of the pandemic. It’s like the world has stopped; you are now stuck in your house doing nothing. Some try to make a living, some stay positive, and some don’t know where to start. I am one of those people who don’t know where to start or how to begin. When I look back at my life, I realize that I’ve been lost for a long time. I am someone who is just trying to get through each day. I wake up in the morning filled with nothing but confusion—what should I do? I’ve asked myself this question countless times. What have I gotten in return? Nothing.Every day that passes feels like a day filled with emptiness. Sometimes, I get tired of it. I stop looking forward to tomorrow because there doesn’t seem to be anything good waiting there. This is what my everyday life looks like: phone, eat, sleep—on repeat. There’s nothing magical about it. Nothing special to look forward to. Nothing that feels like life.

These past few months, I tried to reflect on the things that contributed to my journey of emptiness. I gathered some ideas I thought of in my tiny notebook. My life is not as glamorous and perfect like others. If I would describe my life it’ll be boring, pretentious, lazy and full of doubt. Pretentious may be such a harsh word to describe myself but there is a reason as to why I gave that adjective to myself. I’m very quiet. I rarely share my feelings and emotions to others. But, I recently felt something heavy on my chest and I needed to let it out. I couldn’t find any other way except through writing.

These ideas are just a few things I can think of and still not fully sure about it. While I’m about to share it to you, I am listening to a classical piano pieces on YouTube. It gives me a sense of courage to do this. And now that I am about to share it, let me tell you, it’s nerve-wracking.

Below are some of the things I thought of these past few months:

THE POWER OF SOCIAL MEDIA

Social Media is now essential to all of us. We use it every day. It became a habit to use it after we wake up and before going to bed. It became a worldwide staple to everyone. Using social media has some perks, but it also has some downside about it. Using it can help us or destroy us. As for me, I have a love-hate relationship with it.

I started using it when I was in high school. Let’s say that I was a late bloomer at everything. I know that social media exists, but I don’t know how it works. I opened my Facebook account when I was in my first year in high school. Years passed, I opened Instagram and Twitter, and other social media accounts. It’s pretty addicting. It has everything. It is used to communicate, look into others’ profiles, and browse anything you like. It is something people nowadays can’t live without. When I think about the times where social media doesn’t exist, it is much simpler. But, I guessed people need some improvements, and I cannot say that social media and the internet, in general, are such a lousy improvement at all.

Having social media in my life gives me a love and hate relationship with it. I was able to share some photos and look into others’ life. I was also able to communicate with others and was able to be inspired by scrolling through sites. In a way, it is such a great discovery in the 21st century. It’s one of the things I love about it. But, what do I hate about it? It made me insecure. It made me compare my life to others. Others know it’s limit, and I am one of those people who don’t. It all started to look into others’ photos, liked them, and starts to think, “how come their lives are more fun than mine?”, “how do they stay so optimistic in life?”; and other more questions. I didn’t realized it until I was in college.

I was more cautious about everything I do. I became more insecure when I meet new people. I overthink a lot which causes some anxiety and panic attacks. It is one of the side effects social media brought me. I couldn’t blame social media entirely because part of it was mine as well. I am responsible for my own life, and only I can help myself with it. Part of my healing process is to lessen my time with it. I turned off notifications and limit my time with them. Although, I couldn’t remove them entirely. I am trying to improve my life, but it wasn’t easy. It takes courage to do it, and it is something I am still lacking.

I am currently in the process of finding myself and improving my mental health. But lately, it’s a battle between Kdrama and Youtube, lol. If only I weren’t this way.

FRIENDSHIP

I don’t have many friends. I’m awkward around strangers. I don’t know how to approach them. I am quiet and only observe (not unless there’s alcohol involved, lol) when there’s a gathering or reunion. I rarely contact them, which is why I think they would not sometimes ask me when there’s a gathering. I’m going to tell you a little secret. I would say yes and later turned them down. You want to know why? I’m scared. I am afraid that I would be lonely. I’m afraid that no one would talk to me. I’m scared that they would ignore me. I have friends whose really close to me, but they’re currently not here. I feel comfortable when they’re around me. I feel safe. I feel confident. That’s why I would not join them or ignore their messages after I said yes. I know it isn’t polite, but I don’t know any other way to tell them. I’ve been like this ever since. I want to join really, but I am scared. I also want to create memories, have fun, and bond with them. Stupid, right? How can someone like me be scared of those kinds of things.”

I probably had so much more to say at that time, but, I wasn’t able to finish it. Reading this made me realize how truly lost I am. I’ve been lost for a long time, but only now—especially this year—have I begun to make a real effort to fix my life. This year has been nothing but enlightening for me. It’s only February, yet the things I’ve discovered about myself are astounding to think about.

I’ve started seeing a therapist. I’ve wanted to do this for a long time, but I couldn’t find the courage to begin. There are things within me that I want to understand more clearly, and I know that only a professional can truly help me with them.

I’ve made a promise to myself: before doing anything, I will first try to understand myself—and that starts with understanding where it all began. I’ve been struggling for quite awhile now. I’ve self-diagnosed myself, believed everything I read on the internet and even hurt myself just to justify my emotions. I don’t want this life for myself anymore. That is why I chose to ask for help from a professional.

My journey with mental health has been rough. But I am determined to get better, because I know I deserve it. I deserve to be happy, to be content, and to live.